For such a time as this

Imagine a love so deep it takes your breath away.  Two people woven together in one flesh – that is the mystery of covenant marriage.  It’s surprising really.  Day by day you don’t even realize it’s taking place, through the routines, the romantic nights, the bitter disputes.  Then one day it is tested – stretched – proved.  I am surprised at how completely that one-ness has crept up on me and my husband.

So then imagine what it might be like to look your beloved in the eye and tell him, No.  No to life, no to freedom.  Through his begging, weeping, pleading for help and mercy, knowing his guilt, yet so desparate to make it right, to try to repair what he has broken.  With compassionate resolve – compassion for his fear and devastation, resolve in what I must (and must not) do – to tell him I will not bail him out of jail, I will not live a fugitive’s life.

In a recent letter to my beloved, I tried to explain it this way: 

“I desire to live an honorable life.  I want to look people in the eye, to be real and transparent, to honor God with my integrity and trustworthiness, with my character.  Sounds crazy considering what some people seem to be saying about me, but I know me.  My great crime is that I drive too fast…All I have is my name and my word, and those have to mean something.  They mean just about everything. 

Integrity, trustworthiness, faithfulness, loyalty, courage – these are more than buzzwords to me.  At the end of my life, whenever that might be, I want these to be the words that come to the minds of people who will miss me.  There are no children to carry on a piece of me; the only legacy I will ever have is my life and how I live it.  And I choose to live it honorably and, I hope, in a way that pleases my savior.

I alone must stand before God for the judgment of my actions and the excuse of “I sinned because someone asked me to” isn’t going to fly.

This has been an unimaginable battle, made harder by many of the people around me.  There are so many passionate views.  Two friends who were experienced similar things – one is still so angry at her own wounds and communicates her frustration at my response, the other agrees so strongly.  Interesting.

What is curious to me are the snipets of comments that come back to me – far fewer these days as I’ve put considerable distance between me and them.  It occurred to me the other day that if any of those individuals could step inside my life, my heart, my head, even for a day, to see the truth, I think they would be very ashamed. 

I am abundantly grateful for those faithful, loving people who have surrounded me, prayed for and with me, stood in the gap with me as I’ve been buffeted by this storm. Seeto’s, Coppages, Whipples, Leah, Jodene, Danette.  Mom and Dad.  And others.  May God pour out blessings for the comfort and support you have given.

It is a difficult and bloody thing to know you hold someone’s life in your hand and to know that the right thing to do is the hardest thing you’ve ever done.  I hope none of you ever, ever has to experience this.