For such a time as this

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A division.  A delineation of space and time.  One one side of the line: The life I knew and loved.  Wife, mother, homemaker, helpmeet, teacher, lover, caregiver, steward.  On the other side: A new and undefined life with all the previous roles eliminated or deeply, permanently changed.

I am still a wife and  helpmeet, yet enduring a painful and extended separation.  This adjustment is critical, difficult, heart-breaking, but also rich with spiritual growth and blessing, and abounding in love.

I am still a mother, yet my child is pursuing a course of independence that I am passionately opposed to and fear will do deep and permanent damage, not only to our relationship but to her own life as well.  And yet, the Lord is blessing me with peace, solitude, healing grace, affirmation and validation as I entrust her fully to His care and purpose.

I am still a homemaker in that I still have a home to manage, yet with no one to serve it looses both it’s urgency and power.  I understand, however, the call from Titus 2 for older women to teach the younger ones.  My skill and knowledge in this area will not be wasted and in time God will grant opportunity for it to be passed on. 

I am still a teacher, yet no longer a homeschool mom.  God has gifted me with the ability to teach, as well as the desire to do so.  In this season of refining, I am in the place of the student under the Master Tutor.  I am grateful that the student becomes like the master, as my Master is great.  Some of the lessons have become clear, still others are clouded in mystery.  Yet I know this preparation will bear fruit in its season.

I am still a lover – of my Lord, my husband, my family, my friends.  The expressions of love have changed, as have the fundamental natures of some of these relationships, yet love endures.

I am still a caregiver in that God has given me ministry to the hearts of hurting people that, once again, surprises me.  Simple expressions of love and encouragement to families of inmates have been repaid by deep gratitude; encouraging the heart of my husband as he makes a painful adjustment and transition to a new and frightening life has yielded miraculous fruit; the testimony of love and faithfulness that is touching lives I was unaware of just a few months ago – all of these things have God’s hand print all over them.

I am still, and now more than ever, a steward.  In fact, I have been promoted to head steward – all that has been instrusted to my husband and me now falls solely to me.  I am diving deeply into Proverbs 31 yet again to understand what God has for me as His steward and I am determined to be faithful for so long as it is my position.

This is a harder loss and reality for me than for anyone impacted by it, yet at the same time I think it is easier for me.  I see God’s miraculous work, even as some things become more bitter and wrenching.  I see the transformational healing, repentance, restoration and renewing of relationship.  I see God moving in His people and providing for me in the most loving and generous ways.  I am in the blazing furnace, yet I sense that there is not even the scent of smoke on me because the Spirit of the Lord is there with me.

So across the line I step, eyes open to the future, scanning the horizon for any sign of what’s to come.  Letting go of everything, every dream, expectation, and past hope, and laughing at the future, as did the Proverbs 31 woman, secure not in my own capacity, but in the might and mercy of my King.  Ahead of me a vast expanse of shimmering sand with not a footprint upon it, save one.  My first step.  I am a sojourner venturing into a new and miraculous life. 

Lord, help me to be fearless.

Imagine a love so deep it takes your breath away.  Two people woven together in one flesh – that is the mystery of covenant marriage.  It’s surprising really.  Day by day you don’t even realize it’s taking place, through the routines, the romantic nights, the bitter disputes.  Then one day it is tested – stretched – proved.  I am surprised at how completely that one-ness has crept up on me and my husband.

So then imagine what it might be like to look your beloved in the eye and tell him, No.  No to life, no to freedom.  Through his begging, weeping, pleading for help and mercy, knowing his guilt, yet so desparate to make it right, to try to repair what he has broken.  With compassionate resolve – compassion for his fear and devastation, resolve in what I must (and must not) do – to tell him I will not bail him out of jail, I will not live a fugitive’s life.

In a recent letter to my beloved, I tried to explain it this way: 

“I desire to live an honorable life.  I want to look people in the eye, to be real and transparent, to honor God with my integrity and trustworthiness, with my character.  Sounds crazy considering what some people seem to be saying about me, but I know me.  My great crime is that I drive too fast…All I have is my name and my word, and those have to mean something.  They mean just about everything. 

Integrity, trustworthiness, faithfulness, loyalty, courage – these are more than buzzwords to me.  At the end of my life, whenever that might be, I want these to be the words that come to the minds of people who will miss me.  There are no children to carry on a piece of me; the only legacy I will ever have is my life and how I live it.  And I choose to live it honorably and, I hope, in a way that pleases my savior.

I alone must stand before God for the judgment of my actions and the excuse of “I sinned because someone asked me to” isn’t going to fly.

This has been an unimaginable battle, made harder by many of the people around me.  There are so many passionate views.  Two friends who were experienced similar things – one is still so angry at her own wounds and communicates her frustration at my response, the other agrees so strongly.  Interesting.

What is curious to me are the snipets of comments that come back to me – far fewer these days as I’ve put considerable distance between me and them.  It occurred to me the other day that if any of those individuals could step inside my life, my heart, my head, even for a day, to see the truth, I think they would be very ashamed. 

I am abundantly grateful for those faithful, loving people who have surrounded me, prayed for and with me, stood in the gap with me as I’ve been buffeted by this storm. Seeto’s, Coppages, Whipples, Leah, Jodene, Danette.  Mom and Dad.  And others.  May God pour out blessings for the comfort and support you have given.

It is a difficult and bloody thing to know you hold someone’s life in your hand and to know that the right thing to do is the hardest thing you’ve ever done.  I hope none of you ever, ever has to experience this.