For such a time as this

The ancient city of Corinth was a wealthy trading center, located between major shipping lanes of the Corinthian Gulf and the Saronic Gulf.  It was also known throughout the Roman Empire as a wicked, immoral city.  Consequently the young church in Corinth struggled with worldliness and sin.  In Paul’s first letter to the church, he addresses one particular sinner:

It is actually reported that there is immorality among you, and immorality of such a kind as does not exist even among the Gentiles, that someone has his father’s wife (or insert the sin of your choice).  You have become arrogant and have not mourned instead, so that the one who had done this deed would be removed from your midst.  For I, on my part, though absent in body but present in spirit, have already judged him who has so committed this, as though I were present…I have decided to deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus.  (1 Cor 5:1-5)

But later, in his second letter to the Corinthians, Paul addresses the issue of this same man:

For out of much affliction and anguish of heart I wrote to you with many tears; not so that you would be made sorrowful, but that you might know the love which I have especially for you.  But if any (the immoral man) has caused sorrow…Sufficient for such a one is this punishment which was inflicted by the majority, so that on the contrary you should rather forgive and comfort him, otherwise such a one might be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow.  Wherefore I urge you to reaffirm your love for him.  For to this end also I wrote, so that I might put you to the test, whether you are obedient in all things.  But one whom you forgive anything, I forgive also; for indeed what I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, I did it for your sakes in the presence of Christ, so that no advantage may be taken of us by Satan, for we are not ignorant of his schemes.  (2 Cor 2:4-11)

What are we to do?  Confront the sinner, put him out of fellowship, deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of his flesh – not of his life, but the enslavement to the flesh that yields the fruit of the flesh (See Gal 5:19-21).  But why?  That his spirit may be saved.  And then what?  With great love and compassion, acknowledging that the removal and turning over to Satan is “sufficient.”  It is enough!   No more hurt or abuse or punishment or rejection is warranted.  On the contrary, you should forgive, comfort, reaffirm your love to such a one.  Why?  So he will not be overwhelmed with excessive grief.  Again why?  So our obedience to the command of forgiveness might be tested.  And so that Satan can find no advantage against us.

Of all the so-called advice I’ve received, precious little has passed the test of Scripture.  Instead, most of it has, according to this passage, fallen right into Satan’s hands:  Anger, vengeance, fear, selfishness, punishment, self-righteousness, unforgiveness.  Our anger and unforgiveness is simply a door that allows Satan entry into our lives.  He uses our self-righteousness against us, as is frequently evident. 

These passages best describe my response to my husband.  That I should rather forgive and love and comfort, such as I can, than to punish or hate or cast aside.  I fear for those whose arrogance – like the pharisee who, referring to the ’sinner’, proudly prayed, ‘Thank you God that I am not like one of them‘ – makes them think they are somehow better.  It will be their undoing.

I want wholeness, healing, redemption, restoration, unity.  I know that is the heart of God as well.  I realize it is up to Him; I am powerless but to plead mercy and pray, and hope that God hears my cries and the groanings in my spirit.  What hope there is in this life rests in God alone. 

I see God at work daily in my husband; I see repentence, healing, renewing of life and washing with the Word.  I see the glorious tranformation beginning in him – the same transformation I myself have experienced.  But I am the only one who sees it as I am the only one, it seems, obedient to the command of forgiveness, love and comfort.  That’s not pride talking, that’s simply reality.  I know there are others who claim forgiveness, but do they live it out according to God’s Word?

My despair is so complete, my isolation absolute – I feel utterly forsaken by friend and God himself.  I know His promise is that He will not leave me nor forsake me.  Oh, that I could feel that promise now.

This is for all the people who claim to care about me, who claim to be Christ followers, friends and family members who continually, repeatedly, and painfully heap stones and injury and insult on me in addition to all that I’m already facing.  Enough!  It is the people closest to me who are causing me the most hurt and stealing away what precious little comfort I’m able to glean from these horrifying circumstances.

My marriage was never a mistake!  I am confident in God’s sovereignty over that decision in my life.  Through my marriage I have my children and grandchildren, I have experienced great blessing, and yes great sorrow, prosperity, ministry, love, friendship, more goodness than I can list.  The riches that God has bestowed on me through my marriage are my greatest treasures and NOT ONE MOMENT OF IT was a mistake.

My husband was and is my best friend.  If we were nothing else to each other, we have been friends, constant companions, partners.  We have planned and prospered together, dreamed and built and worked side-by-side to create some wonderful, blessing-filled things.  He has created this mess and, ironically, he has been the only person I’ve been consistently able to work through my grief with without being insulted, talked down to, or treated with careless contempt.  What does that say about the “caring people” around me that the accused is more a friend than they?

I am not a mindless, brainwashed, manipulated idiot.  I am fully aware of my circumstances and the price that has been and continues to be required of me – MORE SO THAN ANY OF YOU COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE.  I see very clearly and I’m acting in the best interest of my family, knowing that whatever I do I have already lost everything.  There is no way to escape the brokenness, the pressure, the strain of this.  We, my daughter and I especially, have no choice but to go through it.   No one but me gets to decide how I should best deal with my loss and grief.  Who among you have had to sacrifice one loved one for another?  Who has chosen to forfeit every dream they’ve ever had to preserve the safety of their child?  Then do not claim to relate or understand.  And please do not presume to advise me.

Do not tell me what is in store for my husband.  Don’t you think I know?  How do you think I, as a loving, faithful, devoted wife, can live with knowing the future my husband is facing?  It’s devastating to me and yet there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it.  How is it to my benefit to hear the horrific stories or for you to add to my fear that is already crushing ?

Please people, THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK.  Are the words about to come out of your mouth going to build me up, comfort or encourage me, or are you simply adding pain on top of pain?

Consider this:  I am a widow without any of the benefits.  There is no financial support, no life insurance.  There is no grief support group.  There are no understanding shoulders upon which I can cry because who has experienced this?  Of all the cases of abuse, such a small percentage are even reported and, when they are, most wives and girlfriends do not do what I have done.  I have done the right thing – and it has cost me everything.  Why then do well-meaning people keep trying to take what little is left?  Why do they add insult as if I am the guilty party?

You do not have the right to try to nullify the last 14 years of my life!  We are all guilty.  We each sin, fail, fall short.  We are each deserving of death.  Yet we each have the ability to love, to do good, to be gentle and genuine, to show compassion and generosity, to touch people’s hearts and lives in meaningful ways.  What makes you think that is not also true of my husband?  Our entire life together was not marked and made void by this.  Would you so willfully and selfishly steal my loving and wonderful memories as well?  Our end is tragic, but our whole life together has not been.  There has been awesome and genuine goodness as well.

Your anger is not my problem.  I have enough problems of my own.  I have been as compassionate and patient and gracious as I can be, but where is the compassion, patience, and grace in return?  It does not help me to hear you vent your hostility and hatred.  It does not encourage me to hear you reject, ridicule or diminish my life and love.  It does not bring me comfort to hear your suspicions or accusations – that’s too little too late and I DON’T WANT IT!

If I choose to wear my wedding ring it is because I am married, and until God in Heaven releases me from my covenant vow, so shall I remain.  If I choose to forgive, it’s because God commands it of me.  He has forgiven far greater of me than He is asking me to forgive.  If I hate the sin and its consequences, yet love the sinner deeply, faithfully, abidingly, how is that different than what Christ has done for all of us?  Have we not sinned, yet His love for us endures forever? And yet I am being judged and scorned for the that very thing that Christ himself taught us to do.

Enough!  If you are of Christ, then love as Christ, forgive as Christ, have mercy, grace, and compassion as Christ.  We are to comfort one another with the comfort we have received.  Instead I am being stoned by fellow believers and crushed by their carelessness.  You who is without sin cast the first stone.