For such a time as this

In old testament times, grief was a public display.  Think of Mordecai in the book of Esther.  Upon learning of the great murder plotted against his people, Mordecai, cousin to the Queen of Persia and her guardian, removed his robes, put on rough sackcloth, covered himself in ashes, and wailed at the gate.  He raised such a fuss and racket that the Queen learned about it even deep within the great palace.  Elsewhere in scripture, mourners are described as gathering together and weeping, shaving their heads in their grief.  There was no mistaking.  Even professional mourners where hired!

I am grieving, deeply, in brokenness and groaning, but there is no sackcloth, nor ashes.  The occasional tear leaks out as I pick Wheat Thins off the store shelf (my husband’s favorite), my lip quivers as some bone head makes a careless comment or laughs cruelly at my sorrow. I feel ill as yet another newspaper article (front page again) pours salt into this open, festering wound.

My grief is private, alone, unseen by most.  It’s hours of tears throughout the night, and a necessary hardening of the heart during the day.  The truth is I am, and have been deeply, completely, faithfully in love with my husband.  I have stood by him through every possible trial and hardship, from having nothing to being prosperous, from the peak of health to chronic, painful illness.  We’ve clung to each other through disaster and loss and grief.  We have dreamt together and planned and I was so looking forward to our empty nest, just us two, ’til death do us part.

I have tried to hate him – I can’t.  I am angry at sin and the consequences of sin, yet I feel God’s compassion and mercy upon His own.  Timothy was God’s gift to me for a season.  And what a gift – through him I have in my life those that I love more than life.  But now the season has come for me to return him to God’s care.  It is difficult to let go of that which we love so much, yet I must.

In my fervent prayers today, I confessed to God the deep desire of my heart – To wake up from this nightmare, to have my husband and best friend restored to me, to experience the love and wholeness in marriage that I long for, for my home to once again be a place of peace and rest and safety, for my children to be healed, and for all of us to be together again.  I told Him, I know all that is impossible.  He was very quick to correct me, reminding me that with God, all things are possible.  That gentle and true reminder brought peace and joyful expectation to my heart.  God, I don’t know how or when, but I love you and I trust you.

I do not own sackcloth.  I have plenty of ashes, but our culture wouldn’t understand that.  I have, however, cut my hair.  My husband was my covering and now he is gone.  My covering shall be the blood of the Lamb.  This small change is my public mourning.

Father in Heaven, I pray for healing, restoration, transformation, redemption, freedom, comfort.  Come quickly, Lord Jesus.  We are weary and longing for home.