For such a time as this

“Between No and Yes”

“When I look closely at what Dag Hammarskjöld wrote (“For all that has been – Thanks!  For all that shall be – Yes!”) there is more there than I can wrap my heart around.  I believe he is saying that for every single thing that has happened in our lives, we can learn to say with confidence, even with joy, “Not my will, but yours be done.”  This means saying yes to the happy and beautiful gifts, but also to the child you lost, the husband who never showed up, the breast cancer, the lost opportunities, the broken dreams, the endless list of human suffering.  I certainly don’t believe he is suggesting that all the pain in our lives is inflicted by God to see if he can squeeze a heartbroken yes out of us.  But I do embrace the mystery that, in the darkest valleys, even when saying yes will break our hearts, the Light of the world is with us, and we will come to know him, to love and trust him, in ways we never have before.”  (Living Fearlessly, Sheila Walsh, p. 34 – Thanks, Leah)

My true and loving friend gave me this book just days after the earth opened up – my friend who reminds me that God is especially fond of me.

I have often wrestled with God because I have viewed him on occassion as a mean kid with a magnifying glass and I’m the ant.  There have simply been so many struggles that just seemed mean.  But through the last few years, and even before that, I have experienced such real, tangible, even practical examples of His love, grace, provision, and, more remarkably, preparation and planning.  As a result He’s brought me to a place where, no matter what happens, I can say sincerely, “God, I love you and I trust you.”  I don’t know that I’m fully in a place where I can say, “For all that shall be – Yes!”, but I know that His future plans for me are beyond anything I can imagine.  I know because where He has brought me to is far beyond anything I imagined when I started this journey of faith 20 years ago.  And I’m not talking about the difficult stuff, I’m talking about all of it and the incredible trek it has been – so far.

My mother, in her anger over this situation, has made reference several times to ‘if only you had known 14 years ago, you wouldn’t have married him.’  I can’t imagine my life, how it would be today, if I hadn’t.  I would not have experienced a fascinating life with my best friend, know and love my children and grandchildren, my daughters-in-law, siblings-in-law, aunts and uncles and cousins.  This extended family that I love so much would not be in my life – and they are my life.  The ministry, the successes, even the failures, the growth of faith, the strength to persevere – I would have none of these things.  I cannot regret my love and faithfulness to my husband, my devotion or sacrifice for my kids.  I cannot regret a moment.  Do I wish things were different – absolutely, no question.  Yet even this is not the end.  God’s not through yet, with me or with any of us.

Today was an “aah” day – not any special pampering or comfort to speak of, but it was a day of many small accomplishments.  I got the splitter running yesterday, today it was the lawnmower and weedwacker.  Nothing big – just equipment that had been left idol over winter.  Still, these are tools that I’ll need often this spring and summer and to know that they are in working order is a source of “aah”.  I have new business – at least 5 new cases to work on – that means income, the continuation of what we’ve worked so hard to build.  Another source of “aah.”

This week I am treating myself – a massage from a new friend on Thursday, a few hours at a salon on Friday, Saturday with the girls to see Wicked in Portland.  I am anticipating more “aah” moments.

There is still the ugly and hard stuff – appointments with counselors, another appearance before the grand jury, a to-do list that now is at least down to three pages - but there is hope.  And while I’m still frightened by the concept of saying with all my heart, “Yes, God!”, simply because of all that has meant in recent years, still I am trying to be close to Him, to listen and follow, to trust and obey.  I know He is Good, and I know He is especially fond of me. 

That’s another source of “aah.”