Filed under: Beauty from Ashes
There is nothing in life that equips one for a day like today. Heart wrenching drama, shattered lives and dreams, dates with death, the end of everything as we know it.
My husband is in jail and facing the rest of his life in a cage. My children are devastated, disappointed, fearful. And everywhere I look, he is there – in photos, hats on a hook, a shop full of his unfinished projects and equipment that is now my responsibility to maintain. Our business, the instruments neatly arranged in a cubby, even his desk in the corner of our, my, bedroom.
It is impossible to simply stop loving someone. But the reality is, for all practical purposes, my husband is dead to me. He will never again hold me, care for me when I’m sick, encourage me in my various projects, laugh at my silliness. I will never again stroke his hair to comfort him, work side-by-side with him, share quiet moments together, listen to his gentle voice in the dark.
It feel’s like death, but so many times worse. And is there no end in sight.
I am faced with a New Life. On the one hand is the overwhelming grief, shock, horror of what has transpired in the last 36 hours. It’s stunning how quickly a life can change. On the other hand is an unexpected sense of adventure. There is something on the horizon that I cannot see, but it’s coming. And, at least at this moment, it doesn’t feel dark and frightening as I expected it would. It feels light and beautiful.
I really don’t understand. I wonder if it is Hope. I’m sure that feeling will wax and wane over the next several months – even day by day. But here I am, alone. My children in Chicago are all gathered together loving one another – I so envy them. My youngest is safe with friends – in the arms of a family that I know love her nearly as much as I do. I thought I would be sobbing and grieving this night – the night’s not over – but I have this unexplainable peace.
Hmmm.
Filed under: Beauty from Ashes
My husband wrote me a love letter for Valentine’s Day, at my request of course. That’s not the kind of thing he normally did. In his letter he commented on his observation that I serve and love a BIG GOD! In the midst of incredible trials I have learned that in reality my faith is very, very small, but that doesn’t matter. God’s grace is very, very big. He is faithful to bridge the gap between my tiny little faith and his great big, immeasurable love.
As my loving friend Leah reminds me, He is especially fond of me.
We are in the midst of perhaps our greatest crisis yet. There is loss, injury, mourning, and so many details and decisions that my usual calm in crisis is being overloaded by sheer volume. For those of you who know some of the details, know that Sabrina and I love you so much and are immensely grateful for your support and care. For others, the details will be revealed soon enough.
But, God. Those are among my favorite words in the Bible. All hell breaks loose, disaster is exploding on the scene, and then you read the words, “But, God…” He moves. He heals. He restores. He is in the middle of the storm, every time.
We are seeing, feeling, praising the ways God is already showing us His love, His control and providence, His provision for our every need. We are sitting back safely in the palm of His hand, watching in awe as He orchestrates details and events with incredible precision. I stand amazed.
He will work even this for our good, because we love Him and trust Him no matter what comes. To those who are or will be walking through this fire with us, know that Peace and Healing are right there. God will take care of all who trust and seek Him – my life is proof of that.
We will be fine. Eventually, all will be made right and new. But until then, please pray and pray hard. I’m in the battle and my arms are already getting weary.
Filed under: Community
To me, not necessarily to you! My, oh my, what a barren wasteland it’s been here. Nearly two months with nary a word. I apologize, faithful reader. It has been a full and exciting time and I did not mean to neglect you. Let me share some of the adventure…
We’ve had another cool and snowy winter, not nearly so wet and windy as 2008, but we’ve had several snow “storms” which have been quite pleasant. We get snow enought to make it feel wintery, buy not so much, nor for so long, that it becomes a headache. And it hasn’t been nearly so windy as in years past. Boy, have we had some whoppers in the wind department! We’ve had a few “teaser” spring-like days, as is typical of February, the daffodils are have just started to form buds, and a few of the chickens are already molting (must be cold with no feathers!). Perhaps that means Spring will come early this year! I hope so.
Tim, the masterful inventor, has been tinkering with an oil burning heater. What an ingenius, clever man I am married with. He’s so great at designing and building things. I’m just so impressed. So far he’s heating the great outdoors, that is until he perfects his design. He’s promised to tune up my brush cutter so I can start attacking the salmon- and blackberry before things leaf out. He’s making glycerine soap by the gallons (this batch smells minty) and is already thinking of ways to improve the bio-diesel making process.
A few weeks ago, I drove the old yellow Mercedes to a meeting and happened to park next to a gal with the same car. As I got out she said, “You’re burning bio-diesel, aren’t you? It smells so good!” When was the last time someone complimented you on the smell of your exhaust?
Tim and I are both very active in our community and recently he’s been participating in the Lincoln City Sustainability Committee. Not as a committee member, as we live outside city limits, but participating in the discussions nonetheless. His contribution, of course, is about energy. He’s also been invited to be a guest speaker at a regional self-sufficiency seminar to discuss bio-diesel. That’s coming up in March.
My energy has been devoted to gardens, even in the cold, dark of winter. Two exciting projects are underway. One is the creation of the new showcase Taft Community Garden. This is going to be so cool. It’s part of an urban renewal project in the south area of town and will be part of a complex that includes a high-tech green parking lot, a model wetland area, and a visitor’s plaza that includes signage and information about local sustainability and self-sufficiency. We’re partnering with local businesses, the food pantry, and schools. When site development is completed (realistically in 2-3 years) it will be a showcase garden for the community and all the thousands of tourists who come through the area!
The other project is even more far-reaching, that is the creation of the Lincoln Community Gardens Foundation. We have a board that is very excited, over a dozen community gardens to work with, and a mission that will help community gardens prosper, promote food self-sufficiency, and make a significant impact in our communities.
Piggy-backed on these two projects is my participation in the Lincoln City Local Foods Task Force. Oregon is third in the nation in food insecurity and Lincoln County is near the bottom of the barrel statewide. In addition, we’re in an area prone to a variety of natural disasters (earthquakes, floods, windstorms, landslides, tsunamis) and due to our location and topography, we as a county are vulnerable to being cut-off from our food supply, the Willamette Valley. The task force is looking at ways to promote local food production, distribution and consumption. Community gardens are a big part of that equation. This has been an interesting and educational process, and it’s interesting how all the planets have aligned to bring these projects to fruition all at once.
And then there’s the personal stuff. We lost another kid to Chicago (I just don’t get it, but you’re only 20-something once). We miss you, Jeremy. And Charlotte, Tim, Mandi, Lauren, Levi, Jack, and Isaac. Sabrina is thriving! She’s involved with choir and drama (Beauty and the Beast-show’s in May) at the high school, homeschooling and taking her college classes, involved in two youth groups, pursuing a nursing career starting with her CNA certification. Whew! And you thought I was busy!
So, you see, we really didn’t fall off the planet; we’ve been trying to make our corner of it a little better, and meeting some very interesting and passionate people along the way.
How are you making an impact where you live? What are you passionate that you might share with others? I’m interested. Let me know.
