Filed under: My Heart
I woke this morning with a deep ache in my heart – for my children. It’s impossible to count the number of times each day that my mind goes to them. I think of their lives, their triumphs, their struggles, their failures. I think most of our relationship with them and how I long for it to be better, deeper, truer. My heart breaks at what they appear to believe about us that is in such deep conflict with the truth.
I suppose that is a common ache. I’m sure many parents of adult children sorrow over the love and devotion to their children that seems to disappear into the vapor. I know in my relationship with my own parents that, although I know them well, I don’t know all there is about them. And what I know is still, even so many years later, colored by childish perceptions. For instance, I learned just yesterday that my mom has regrets about returning to work and not being a full-time mom to us as we were growing. If I let myself, I could imagine how the lives of my brothers and I may have been different if she had been home, but what is the point of that? It is my life that has made me who I am, and frankly I like who I am. But it’s an interesting revelation in light of the fact that I express my gratitude to my husband regularly for the privelage I have of being a full-time mom.
I guess my biggest regret at this point is the feeling that we did not fight hard enough for them. We are a blended or divided family, depending on how you look at it. For so many months of the year the older kids lived with their mom 2,000 miles away and we had precious little time with them during summers and the occasional holiday. How can you possibly love a child enough, teach them and encourage them enough in so little time? How can a child learn their parent’s values, how can a parent instill all there is in just those few weeks each year? We never fought for custody; we let the kids decide. I’ve wondered if that was the right thing for them.
This is all on my heart, I suppose, because it feels like that all over again. Most of our kids are 2,000 miles away, again. We are once again removed from their lives, getting just snipets here and there. There is a deep sorrow to parenting that I didn’t expect and, even after so many years, it still takes me by surprise.
When the baby Jesus was presented at the temple, faithful old Simeon prophesied over Jesus and then turned to Mary and said, “…and a sword will pierce even your own soul…” (Luke 2:35). He warned her of her heartbreak over her son. Granted, her Son was unique, but I don’t think her sorrow was.
I’ve prayed two things about my children: One is that they never, ever experience the brokenness of divorce in their lives and families. The other is that they each, some day, truly understand the depth and breadth of our love for them.
Filed under: Uncategorized
We have baby duckies! This is exciting. Three years ago we bought little baby ducks and all of them disappeared – often with just a small pile of feathers as evidence of an unpleasant end. The following spring, however, a mallard and his female friend spent some time in our creek. The female duck looked suspiciously like one that we’d lost. Hmmmm.
Well this year, the handsome couple is back, enticed no doubt by the fact that our creek is now a small pond. And yesterday we saw them – Nine beautiful, fuzzy, just-hatched ducklings. I tell you, there was a lot of excitement around Covenant Creek!
The ducks and our chickens – eight hens plus three juveniles that I call the Three Stooges – have a truce. They don’t really like each other, but they are sharing territory somewhat. That means, when I’m out feeding them, they all come. Plus we have our resident herd of black-tail dear, including a young buck in velvet.
I love all the wildlife around here. I love that we live in their neighborhood and they allow us to share their space. I love that the air smells so delicious right now – elderberry and laurel are in bloom, wildflowers are bursting everywhere – bleeding heart, wild violas and lupines. Everything is that magnificent shade of new green that practically shimmers in the sun. I spent a good hour in the forest Sunday just breathing!
The only thing I don’t love is that blasted chipmunk that has taken up residence in my greenhouse. Destructive little terrorist. He’s got it far too easy to relocate on his own. He must die! But first I have to catch him. Yeah, right.
Filed under: My Heart
Today is Mother’s Day. These are some of the things I’m thankful for as a mother.
My child telling me often that she loves me.
Long, important talks about major life issues – boys, marriage, suffering, God.
Listening to my grandsons laugh and sing songs.
Reading my daughter’s writing assignment about heroes and learning that her biggest hero is me.
Teaching another teenager how to drive.
Making sandcastles together on the beach.
Going for drives, hanging out and singing songs to the car stereo.
Watching them grow up, knowing I played a part, however small.
My husband’s respect and esteem for the job I’m doing as mom.
The example and encouragement from my own mother.
Appreciating my daughters-in-law and the wonderful mothers they are.
The incredible blessing I’ve received at the privilege and opportunity to be a mom.
Crying over my children when they fall and fail.
Rejoicing over my children when they live in faith and victory.
The opportunity to encourage other moms.
I’m thankful for Sabrina, Mandi, Tim, Charlotte, Levi & Isaac, Jeremiah, Lauren and Jack, Nathanael.
I’m thankful for Timothy through whom I have my family.
I’m thankful to God for allowing me to be a part of their lives.
