Filed under: My Heart
Ivan is a loving man. He likes to tease and make jokes. He always has a smile on his face. He’s crazy about his wife, Nancy. He makes beautiful tables. He works hard.
Ivan is one of the wonderful men who came alongside my husband in his grief. He worked beside him, talked, listened, and was a true friend.
Ivan is Home tonight.
We will care for your hurting wife. We will miss you. And we will see you soon, brother.
Enjoy Heaven!
Filed under: Nathanael Isaac
What do you do when you can’t sleep? I’ve been an insomniac for so many months. I can count on two hands the number of nights I’ve slept straight through till morning in the last nine months. Never without a sedative. I’m tired of being tired.
Sometimes I write. Sometimes I lie on the couch and listen to the fridge hum. I surf the net. Occassionally, on nights like tonight when the full moon is casting shadows through the trees, I might go for a stroll through the woods. But only when I’m feeling particularly brave – there are scary sounds out there! Most nights I lay in bed and get lost in my thoughts.
Mostly my thoughts are of Nathan. Too many times I rehearse the day we lost him to Heaven. The cold, the shock. I cry most often in the wee hours - still. I try to imagine his reality now and how I long to be there with him. And I pray – for Lauren and Jack, for Tim, our kids. For all of us who miss him so much.
Nine months, one day, sixteen hours. It feels like last week, it’s so fresh. It’s unbelievable to me that so much time has past. Some wounds are too deep to heal quickly.
Sabrina asked me what my favorite quote was. I said, “Jesus wept.” The shortest verse in the Bible, it is full of His humanity, His caring and understanding, His grief over our grief. He knows our sorrow because He has felt it too. There’s comfort there.
Tomorrow (later today, actually) we’re going to visit the grandparents, my mom and dad. I’ve been thinking how grateful I am that we’ve had this year with them. In January it didn’t look very likely. They are such an amazing gift to me, wonderful parents, loving, generous people. I’ve thanked God so often for choosing them to be my parents. I appreciate every day I have with them.
I’m thankful for every day I’ve had with all the precious people in my life. Each a treasured gift. My husband, my children, family and friends. I am so blessed.
Okay, my Blessings, back to bed I go, with my heart full of gratitude, my eyes welling with tears.
Oh, in case you’re curious, I turned down the nomination. Right decision. And in doing so, God immediately opened another door to ministry. I love how that works.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Here’s one that will twist the brain…Is a good thing that interrupts a better thing still a good thing?
Here’s the deal. I’ve been working on putting together a weekly community women’s bible study. I feel very strongly that God has called me to this, I have the support and blessing of my husband. Still working out the details, but I’m confident that God will work everything out.
I host a monthly Titus 2 gathering for women – a little more intensive as far as fellowship and building deeper relationships, sharing practical ”home” skills, mentoring.
And then, for my daughter (who is 15 today!), I help lead a 4-H group, teaching horticulture, natural resources, and art. Fun, fun, but time consuming.
And then there’s what I do for me. I’m a Master Gardener. I went through the courses, did the apprenticeship, worked on some projects…Fun, fun, fun (3 funs). Our county MG association awarded me the 2006 Master Gardener of the Year award for creating a community garden in Lincoln City and helping/inspiring other community gardens throughout the county. That was pretty cool. That’s not why I did it, but still it’s cool.
I got a call yesterday asking if I’d accept the nomination to be president of the Lincoln County Master Gardener Association. Hmmm. I’m honored. Wasn’t expecting that. My family thinks I should – very supportive. Thanks, guys. I could do the job, that’s not the issue.
What keeps playing in my mind is the timing. As I move forward in ministry, when we’re already in the spiritual battle, when my enemy is already annoyed with us, is this a clever ploy from my enemy to distract me with busyness? To keep me from focusing on what God wants me to devote myself to? It’s a common tactic of Satan to get us so busy with stuff that we take our eyes off God. Just read the Screwtape Letters.
I have until Monday to give my decision. I don’t sense that God is telling me ‘no’, but at the same time I know what my priorities have to be. Serving God must come first.
So, is this good thing really a good thing? Hmmm.
Filed under: Woman2Woman
The name of my blog comes from the book of Esther in the old testament. Beautiful, young Esther, actually Hadassah, has had a sorrowful youth. She is an orphan being raised by Mordecai, her cousin. She is taken from Mordecai’s home to the palace with hundreds of other young women to be a candidate for queen. She is eventually chosen.
In the midst of murder and corruption, political intrigue and scandal, her cousin tells her that it is time to take action to save her people without thought to her own safety.
Then Mordecai told them to reply to Esther, “Do not imagine that you in the king’s palace can escape any more than all the Jews. For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance will arise for the Jews from another place and you and your father’s house will perish. And who knows whether you have not attained royalty for such a time as this?” Esther 4:13
There are two things that strike me in Mordecai’s statement: First is his belief in the absolute faithfulness of God. There is no doubt in Mordecai’s mind that God will act on behalf of his people. The other is that we have a role to play and silence is not an option for us.
For Esther, Queen of Persia and Media, going before the king at this time was tantamount to suicide. This was no small risk. Yet her response to her cousin illustrates her faith:
“Go, assemble all the Jews who are found in Susa, and fast for me; do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my maidens also will fast in the same way. And thus I will go in to the king, which is not according to the law; and if I perish, I perish.” Esther 4:16
What is it about fasting that moves God? Nothing really. But it moves us. When we fast, when we deliberately give up something we need for the purpose of seeking God, that is what He responds to. Each time we feel a pang of hunger, out thoughts go to Him, our prayers and petitions are lifted to Him, we are reminded that man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God. That is what moves God.
I am not in a position of royalty or even extraordinary authority. I am not risking life or limb to go before the most powerful ruler on Earth. My people are not in danger of mass murder. I’m a mom protecting my daughter. I am a wife defending my husband. I am a daughter and servant of the Most High wanting to minister to the hearts and souls of His people.
I have no doubt of God’s faithfulness – He has proven Himself to me far more than I could ask. There is no question that He will work His purposes and preserve His people – whether or not I have any part of it.
And I also know that God has called me ‘for such a time as this’. He has gifted me, convicted me, prepared and strengthened me. I am exactly where I am supposed to be and know what He is asking of me.
I too have fasted and prayed, seeking God, lifting prayers and petitions before the Throne of Grace on behalf of his people. Asking for a miracle. Esther’s story seemed hopeless, yet it ends with celebration and feasting.
…and it was a month which was turned for them from sorrow into gladness and from mourning into a holiday; that they should make them days of feasting and rejoicing and sending portions of food to one another and gifts to the poor. Esther 9:22b
I am praying expectantly that at the end of this trial, we too will celebrate.
Blessings.
Filed under: Nathanael Isaac
August 21 - The third wedding anniversary of Nathan and Lauren Taylor. Today is a tough day. It’s a landmark day, like Nate’s birthday will be next month, like November 27 will be – the anniversary of his death (and daughter Charlotte’s wedding).
It’s easier to think in light of eternity on other days, knowing that Nathan is more alive and whole than ever on Earth, and that he is rejoicing in the presence of Christ. On days like today, we’re reminded of what we’re missing – his laugh, his wild stories, his intensity and fervor for the things that interest him, his brilliance. His presence.
Nate and Lauren’s wedding was beautiful. Held at her parents home in Highland Village, TX, officiated by Nate’s dad (such an honor), it was full of symbolism and totally dedicated to committing themselves to God in their marriage and their lives together.
And that’s exactly how they lived their life together – devoted fully to one another and to the Lord. How grateful I am for both of them and how proud.
One of the great moments for me after Nathan went home, and yes, there were some great moments even then, was when I borrowed his Bible to read a verse at his memorial. Nathan’s Bible was a ragged, worn out mess of a book. Pages torn, tabs worn out, notes and slips of paper everywhere. Exactly what a Bible should look like! Like one of Nate’s favorite, raggedy pair of jeans, he lived in the Word every day. He was comfortable there. He was the man we love and miss because of that book. I have treasured in my heart the image of that book and what it means for Nathan now.
Today marks the unwelcome passage of time. For us, anyway. For Nate, there is no time. Only Joy!
So today we ‘celebrate’ the union of two precious people that gave us a daughter that we adore, a grandson that we have every intention of spoiling, and the inexpressible joy of our son at the gift he was given. As I said at his memorial, at Nathan’s moment of greatest joy in life, God said, ‘I can do even better than that’, and promoted him to Heaven. Today I will celebrate that too.
I love you so much, Nathan. I’m so proud of you.
We’ve been in this place before. It’s a contemptible place to be, but it is familiar. The heretic, the wolf in sheep’s clothing, has been embraced by the ”leaders”, the righteous man of God has been marginalized, invited to leave. The compromise has been made, the devil has his foot in the door. (For background, see My Enemy – Lacking Creativity, but Very Effective (March 17, 2007), and The Battle is Engaged, (June 14, 2007).)
But there’s something different this time.
When God begins preparing us for something, He often does it in stages – each stage adding more challenge, more difficulty, more need for faith and prayer. The first time, the “leaders” were literally breaking the law. They chose to drive us out rather than get right with the law. Another time, the adulterers/leaders were embraced instead of discipled and rebuked. Again, we were driven out. But the term “driven out” isn’t accurate. We were actually called out. In both cases, while we were waiting for God to advise us how to proceed, He opened doors to new ministry, new opportunity. I see now that he was preparing us for this.
What is different this time is that I don’t believe we are being called out. While God did bring us to Covenant Creek for ministry, I don’t believe that ministry is beginning a new church. Instead, I believe He’s telling me, “stand firm.”
Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. Ephesians 6:13 NASB
You see, we live in a community that is under seige. There are countless dead and dying churches, hanging on by the finger tips of a few desparate members. The spirits of despair and hopelessness are everywhere. The “progressive” agenda of some in this community is in direct and hostile defiance to the Lord God. We are at the very gates of Hell.
But in this church, I see a spark of hope. God is there. His people, some at least, have a deep desire to influence this community for the Lord. There are pockets of committed Christians who are consistently and coincidentally experiencing attacks from our enemy. It seems to be happening all at once throughout the believing community. “The spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places” are trying to break God’s church, to take over this city, once and for all.
Truly, I have not wanted to be in battle. I am weary, my grief is still very near, I have avoided the conflicts as much as possible, though not entirely, I just haven’t felt I had it in me. But the more I think about it and the more I pray, the more God seems to be preparing me. This war is not about my comfort, or our standing within a church – this war is about the spirit of a community and the eternal souls of it’s people. The stakes are too high to walk away.
We are the watchmen on the wall. The enemy is arrayed in armor and their battle formation is formidable. So many are simply blind to it. They are as Elisha’s servant who saw only the physical warriors. Only when Elisha prayed that his eyes be opened did he see the whole picture:
Now when the attendant of the man of God had risen early and gone out, behold, an army with horses and chariots was circling the city. And his servant said to him, “Alas, my master! What shall we do?” So he answerd, “Do not fear, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.” Then Elisha prayed and said, “O LORD, I pray, open his eyes that he may see.” And the LORD opened the servant’s eyes and he saw; and behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha. 2 Kings 6:15-17 NASB
I spoke with Jon Courson one morning in May 2006. Jon is the pastor of Applegate Christian Fellowship, a large church in Jacksonville, OR. He is well known and respected and pastored Calvary Chapel Costa Mesa, for a time. We discussed the vision for Covenant Creek and his enthusiasm was infectious. When I told him we were on Devils Lake, his booming laugh would have shaken the rafters had we been indoors. He exclaimed, “and even the gates of hell shall not prevail against it!”
We were called here to be used by God to save a city; to bring restoration and healing by the message of salvation. It is not a passive calling, but an active one. This city belongs to our enemy and we were called here to take it back in the name of the Lord Jesus.
This is the rock on which I will put together my church, a church so expansive with energy that not even the gates of hell will be able to keep it out. Matthew 16:18b, The Message
We are battered and against the ropes, but we are not out. I’m ready for Round 2!
It’s August. I say that with just a touch of whine in my voice. My summer has just barely begun and already I feel Fall in the air. Already I’m making plans for school and we just finished in July! Our normally dry, sunny season has had, at most, 10 sunny days in a row. The rest have been clouds and rain.
I keep hearing about global warming and, from what I’ve seen, I’m just not buying it. Our winter came too early and lasted far too long – both in weather and emotions. Spring was cold and wet and seemed to last well into July. And now I see the leaves turning crimson on the vine maples and the alders are turning yellow and beginning to drop their leaves.
I’m not ready for another winter.
I was very ready for summer. Blue skies, fresh breezes off the ocean, the perfume of fresh cut grass. The change in season, I thought, would do much good in changing my heart. Nature just hasn’t been cooperating!
I haven’t been moping, I’ve been busy and productive. I have a beautiful garden in the greenhouse (a deer got in and ate all the lettuce – not even a building is enough protection against the critters!), the loft is nearly done and it’s going to look fabulous (we’ve taken a break to work on a couple other projects, such as…), we’ve put in a very impressive stone wall and path between the house and the barn (no more trudging through the mud). And we’re getting ready for winter, stocking firewood and such.
Still on the grey, misty days when I have to use my dryer instead of hanging clothes on the line (which I love), my spirit tends to sag.
I’ve been thinking so much of my grandson Jack, Nathan’s little boy. I last saw him on December 11, 2006. He was three months old and we had just said goodbye to his daddy at a second memorial service. He was big for three months, and so calm and contented – just laying in our arms staring at us. I love that little boy so much.
He’ll be a year old in three weeks. He’s starting to walk and say his first words. He has a personality and favorite things – and not favorite things. And I don’t know any of it. I don’t know how big he is. I don’t know what his cute little voice sounds like. I’ve never heard “the yell” when he’s unhappy. I’ve never seen his temper or his giggle. I’ve never felt him snuggle on my lap and give me a sloppy kiss. And I miss him so much. I hear that he is just like his daddy. I think that will be a great compliment he will hear over and over throughout his life.
I’m also thinking of my kids. This is anniversary season – three got married within five months in 2004. I am so grateful for Nathan’s choice of wife. I’m grateful for their love and devotion for each other, for their time together. I’m thankful for all my kids-in-law. They are caring, gracious, interesting people. Mandi is an amazing mom and one of the most graceful and generous people I’ve ever met and Kyle cracks me up. Thanks, God.
I keep waiting and hoping for a time of rest – when we’re not dealing with conflicts or difficult situations or strained relationships. Nathan shared his frustration with me about a difficult season in his life – illness, accident, expense. He exclaimed in his annoyance it seemed to be one thing after another. I responded, “Welcome to adulthood.”
I guess it’s like the constant bruises on my legs. I work hard and I get dinged up all the time. Most of the time I don’t even know what I ran into to get all these blue marks. But I notice when I hit the same spot over and over. That’s what this feels like. It wouldn’t seem like so much, but I keep bumping the same sore spot in my heart. I wonder if the bruise in my heart shows as much as the ones on my legs.
But on those, unfortunately rare, sunny days, my spirit soars a little higher. A bald eagle lives in the neighborhood and I hear it’s cry and see it soaring overhead, and my heart soars with it.
Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength:
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not faint.
Isaiah 40:31
Today is my day to wait on the Lord. And, hopefully, the sun will come out today.
Filed under: My Heart
The opening verses of the book of Ephesians is perhaps my favorite Scriptural passage of all time. If there is ever any doubt as to God’s love and desire for me, I read these words:
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, just a He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us to adoption as sons [and daughters] through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved. In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace which He lavished on us. In all wisdom and insight He made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His kind intention … In Him also we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to His purpose who works all things after the counsel of His will, to the end that we who were the first to hope in Christ would be to the praise of His glory. In Him, you also, after listening to the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation-having also believed, you were sealed in Him with the Holy Spirit of promise, who is given as a pledge of our inheritance, with a view to the redemption of God’s own possession, to the praise of His glory. Eph 1:3-14 NASP (emphasis added)
I realize it’s a long passage, but look at some of those phrases – we are blessed with every spiritual blessing, we are chosen, He lavishes His grace on us, He has given us an inheritance, we are God’s own possession, He predestined us to adoption before the foundation of the world!
There is a terrific documentary called “The Privelaged Planet.” In it, scientists explore the mathematical probabilities that our planet could occur by chance (what the majority of scientists believe these days). It’s a fascinating examination of our planet – it’s alignment, elemental construction, weather; our solar system – the type of sun we have, Earth’s position in relation to the sun and gas giant planets, our large moon; Our position within the galaxy – an ideal location on an outer arm. It then looks at what is known of the universe. If you haven’t seen this film, I strongly urge you to do so, if for no other reason than one of the final scenes.
The frame is full with an ordinary spot on earth. But then you start to zoom out. A counter at the bottom of the screen shows how many miles, then light years, pass as you zoom out past planets to the edge of our solar system, then through the emptiness of space to the next solar system, then out of our galaxy to the next galaxy, and on and on. Minutes pass and you begin to see whole galaxies as bright dots, then galaxy clusters and the intricate lace-like structure of galaxies linked together. Talk about feeling small!
But think about it – Our God is the God of the universe. He created all of that in it’s complex, perfect beauty and power. God is that big! Bigger! And yet, He predestined you and I to adoption as His children even before the foundation of this perfectly designed, abundantly suitable planet.
My daughter and I talk about adoption from time to time – we are both adopted, after all. I think we have an advantage when it comes to understanding concepts like being adopted by God. It means to be fully God’s child. It’s not a second class status, as if an adopted child is less loved, less valued. My daughter and I both understand what it is to be chosen to be included as an essential member of a family, loved as deeply, valued as highly, treasured as greatly as every other member.
I am adopted – by my father and mother, whom I love and honor. More importantly, I am adopted by my Heavenly Father, whose riches and grace He lavishes on me.
When I think about how He has loved me, I can’t help but respond in kind – with honor and devotion, deeply desiring to please Him. And that is His desire, that we would love Him because He first loved us. That we would seek out the arms of our “Abba” Father, to sit upon His lap as a child would and simply be in His presence.
What a gift it is to be adopted.
